Harbors of Hope-navigating through grief and loss

2012-02-15T10:42:00.000-05:00

'I haven't stopped crying since Whitney died': Jennifer Hudson opens up about grief after stunning Grammys tribute performance. By Daily Mail Reporter

I can't help but wonder how Miss Hudson's reaction to Whitney Houston's death might not be exacerbated by the murders of her own mother, brother, and 7 year-old nephew in 2008.

Often, a new loss will trigger memories of past losses and the mourner may experience a temporary upsurge of grief reactions. This doesn't mean the loss wasn't dealt with previously.

All of these losses present for the survivors and mourners sudden and traumatic death challenges. They were: sudden; violent; human-caused; potentially involved suffering; unnatural; were multiple deaths; and involved the loss of younger people.

Tears seem warranted.

2012-02-08T10:15:00.000-05:00

It is important not to get stuck in therapy. Therapy is a necessary boat that takes you across a rough river to a new shore. In time, though, you must step out of the boat and onto new earth and never look back.
Healing Cards, Carolyn Myss, Peter Occhiogrosso

Support groups work the same way. Sometimes, people will talk to me about whether or not they need a support group. Often, they are a year past the loss and feel as though they "are doing well enough, but have
little things that come up". This is often quickly followed by a statement about having attended this group or that group and hearing people talk about struggling with their grief for 5, 10 or more years! These people rightly assess "I don't want to be that person-that doesn't seem good to me.". Sometimes, they may wonder if they should feel worse or experience guilt because they aren't suffering in their grief years after the death. This can be the difference between resilience and complicated grief. Sometimes grief might require getting in a bigger boat-a therapy boat. Big or small, though, at some point, getting off the boat will be important if you want to go or see something different.

Hospice, Bereavement and Time

2012-01-31T16:50:00.000-05:00

Family members who have a loved one receiving end-of-life care from Beacon Hospice are often surprised to learn they are eligible for 13 months of bereavement support after their loved one dies. This on-going help for those grieving a loss is provided through limited one-to-one support, support groups, telephone calls, referrals to community support, resources and qualified professionals, sympathy cards, and other written materials.

      Hospice views the patient and family as a "unit", therefore all comfort measures and interventions are focused on providing the best care and support available to not only the ill, but also their caregivers and loved ones This is also a rich opportunity for pre-loss support geared toward helping the patient and family cope with the present and plan for and accept the future . To this end, throughout the time the family   ( "family" may include facility staff, paid caregivers, POAs and other identified involved parties) is on hospice services they are involved, to the degree they desire, with hospice social workers and chaplains, volunteers and nursing. These relationships provide nurturing, encouragement, education and support to the family as they support their loved one in their illness and death. Social work and chaplaincy aid in assisting with funeral and memorial plans, issues of anticipatory loss, financial concerns, spiritual and personal worries and struggles, and offer a caring, compassionate presence throughout the time the family and patient is involved with Beacon Hospice. Nursing and volunteers can provide extra hands, eyes,ears, and assistance with patient care and household tasks.
     Many times due to the intense nature of hospice, the usual barriers to connection are weakened and rapport is established more quickly. Without a doubt, the longer the patient and family receive hospice services, the better supported and cared for they feel. All too often people come to hospice late in the game, and are not able to benefit from the care and support available to them weeks, if not months, earlier.
     If you or a loved one is interested in hospice services please speak to your physician or call your local hospice. (There is a list of Beacon Hospice offices listed at the top of this blog)

Time is invaluable.

2012-01-23T14:03:00.003-05:00

The Miracle of You

When we were little you held us and sang to us
When we were hurting your eternal optimism consoled us
When we needed you, you were there for us
These things we knew, the miracle of you

As we grew we ventured out in our own, you had to let go of us
Still you listened and helped guide us
But choices and decisions for our lives you left up to us
Theses things we knew, the miracle of you

As we made our way back home, you were there waiting for us
Just to see us walk into the room, to talk to us
to hear our voices, see our faces and to be around us
This was all that became important, the miracle of you

Even in your most challenging times you taught us
the meaning of all you tried to give us
Love, humor, confidence, trust, humility, these you passed to us

We are forever grateful for, the miracle of you

Written by Lynnsey Eakin in memory of her dad, Jeffrey Eakin, 8/12/11 Framingham, MA

Permission granted by Ms. Eakin.

Dark, Fertile Soil?

2012-01-17T10:52:00.002-05:00

I think it is important for us to pay attention to our emotions, in general. Too many people have never learned to do this, because they've never been encouraged to do it. We have the notion that our emotions are not worthy of serious attention.
Naturally we have less difficulty with the so-called positive emotions. People don't mind feeling joy and happiness. The dark emotions are much harder. Fear, grief and despair are uncomfortable and are seen as signs of personal failure. In our culture, we call them "negative" and think of them as "bad". I prefer to call these emotions "dark", because I like the image of a rich, fertile, dark soil from which something unexpected can bloom. Also we keep them "in the dark" and tend not to speak about them. We privatize them and don't see the ways in which they are connected to the world. But the dark emotions are inevitable.They are part of the universal human experience and are certainly worthy of our attention. They bring us important information about ourselves and the world and can be vehicles of profound transformation. Miriam Greenspan, from The Sun, January 2008.

Have you experienced something unexpected blooming from your own losses or times of despair?

Some Potential Benefits of Joining a Grief Support Group

2012-01-16T12:53:00.004-05:00

a focus on a common core problem
reduced isolation
normalization of experience, symptoms, responses
modeling by others who are more experienced managing grief

Maintaining Bonds with Deceased Loved Ones

2012-01-12T11:32:00.003-05:00

Historically, in a precident set by Freud, the belief by lay and professional people was that grieving people should feel their feelings and then close the door on their grief and move on in their lives, more or less.
Researchers now believe that for many bereaved people, continuing bonds with the deceased is a a normal part of healthy adaptation (to loss) Klass & Walter, 2001; Klass, Silverman, and Nickman, 1996; Wortman& Silver, 2001.

There are four common ways in which bonds with the deceased are maintained.-sensing their presence, talking to them, asking for guidance or making life choices based on how they lived or what they valued, and talking about the deceased.

These experiences are common, normal and adaptive.

Proceed with Caution (Stage theories in grief)

2012-01-03T15:26:00.000-05:00

There is a pervasive belief among caregivers and helping professionals that stages exist, and they are often used as a yardstick by which to assess progress (Wortman, Silver, and Kessler, 2006).

Kubler-Ross' stages of death and dying have become somewhat of a cultural litmus for the general public's understanding of grief. Although, Dr. Ross herself, stated they were in no way meant to be diagnostic or universal and were more descriptive of experience, the 5 stages-denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance-are entrenched in the collective psyche.

Professional understanding of grief and loss is in a state of flux and growth and has become more accommodating and reflective of the idiosyncratic nature of grief. If you are working with a professional or model that feels too narrow and non-reflective of your experience, perhaps it is.

Winter Solstice

2011-12-21T10:11:00.000-05:00

The Winter Solstice, historically, is a celebration of the return of light as well as mysterious, magical darkness.

It is a season of trust-trust that the light is coming.

For the bereft, the darkness of sorrow seems to swallow them whole, leaving emptiness and grief as if the heart is cut out but you are still alive (olycuups.org/yule-ritual, 2004). The solstice is also a time for the healing of grief, and the rebirth of dreams and a time of renewal. However, you must make a place of hope and welcome in your heart for the new light.

How will you make a welcoming place in your heart and life? What is your hope or wish for the new year?

May the new light of the Winter Solstice grow strong and transform your life.

This Holiday Season...

2011-12-12T15:54:00.000-05:00

Be surrounded by your beloved relatives and friends. Call that friend you love so much and who you haven’t seen for years for a visit. Say how much you love him or her. Let your heart and mind be aware of how many people love you. Have your family or any beloved human or pet beside you. Love is very powerful. It doesn’t matter the source. - Carlos Alberto Tinoco Marques

Especially upon entering the spirit of the season and a new year, perhaps these are words to heed.

Above All, Don't Underestimate Yourself

2011-11-29T15:49:00.000-05:00

This is the last entry in a continuing series (started August 22, 2011) of "Don'ts" as it relates to grief.

Our minds are at constant work. There is an inner dialog running most of the time and most of it is critical. It takes conscious effort to stop and listen to the chatter and then an even more focused intention to question what is being said as TRUTH. The dialog occurs on autopilot. The neuro-pathways are laid down and then wear a track in our unconscious, like water through sandstone. In this trance- like state we become hypnotized believing the story that is created about ourselves, life, and those around us.

There is an abundance of techniques and models proposed to try to stop this mental tirade and even to turn it around. (i.e. CBT, narrative techniques, mindfulness, The Work to name a few).

Remember, those who are giving you advice have their own inner dialogs.

Think about times and events in your life where you were successful? Did you follow your own instincts or the advice of others.

Start trusting yourself on small stuff and watch what grows.

Read biographies of people you admire. Most likely they were told at one point in their lives they would not be successful at the very thing for which you admire them.

You can bet on the house, because you are the house.

Trusting your own thoughts and beliefs and acting on them can be scary. People around you may not agree or even like your decisions. Ultimately, though, you are accountable to you and at the end of the day the only person you have to please is you.

Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right. ~Henry Ford

Thanksgiving-some ideas.

2011-11-21T14:17:00.001-05:00

Here is a Thanksgiving prayer from Austin Fleming . It is written for those grieving at this time of year.

In it can be found several ideas to help with grief ( in addition to prayer).

Dear God,

There is an empty chair at our table,

an ache in our hearts

and tears on our faces.
Acknowledge the absence and the feelings. It is not life as usual.

We may try to shield one another

from the grief we bear

but we cannot hide it from you.
Share with those who also grieve.

We pray for (names)

whose presence we miss

in these homecoming days.

Open our hearts and minds

to the healing and warmth

of the light of your presence.

We pray, Lord, and we trust

that those we miss

have found their place at your table,

their home in your heart.
Examine your spiritual beliefs and embrace what brings you comfort.

Open our hearts to joyful memories

of the love we shared

with those who have gone before us.
SHARE memories.

Help us tell the stories

that make present the past

and bring us close again

to those we miss.
Tell stories.

Teach us to lean on each other

and on you, Lord,

for the strength we need

to walk through difficult times.
Ask for and ACCEPT help.

Give us quiet moments

with you, with our thoughts,

with our memories and prayers.
Allow yourself quite time.

Be with us, Lord,

and hold us in your arms

even as you hold those

who have gone before us.

Help us to trust that one day

we shall be with those we love

when your mercy gathers us together

in the joy of the life you promise us.

This is the day you have made, Lord:

help us to rejoice in it
Practice mindfulness.

and in the promise of your peace.

Amen.

Bridges

2011-11-17T11:46:00.000-05:00

Career, social advice pundits and parents often instruct disgruntled employees, jilted lovers and impulsive children to not burn any bridges behind them. A good mental health perspective would also include don't cross bridges until you come to them.

Sir William Osler, a founder of John Hopkins Hospital, while a medical student worried. He worried about exams, what to do, where to go, how to build his practice and how to make a living. He read something in the spring of 1871 that he credits with changing his life: Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand..

In grief, the natural tendency is to think about the past replaying actions, words and conversations. We question every motive and choice. This is a part of healing and is how we gather words and images in order to tell the story of our loss(es). Eventually, we arrive at a place where we can accept the reality of our life and remember the past with less pain. Then we are more ready to be in the present moment. For some of us though, the future looms ahead of us -dark, foreboding.

Stephen Covey, writing about personal leadership, speaks at length about the language we use to describe ourselves and our life circumstances. He encourages people to be proactive vs. reactive. Our inner talk and our outer talk become self-fulfilling. Examples of proactive language include I choose (instead of I can't), I prefer (instead of I must) and I will (instead of if only), I can choose a different approach (instead of That's just the way I am). In learning to live with grief, does the language you use support you?

Physiologically, our brains can't tell the difference between what is real and what is imagined. Think about times you have "made yourself sick" with worry. Often, the anticipation of an event is far worse than the actual experience. In learning to live and grow from loss, does your inner vision support you or limit you?

In Dale Carnegie's book, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, he shares several quotes that reinforce these concepts: You can't saw sawdust. It's already sawed. It's the same with the past. When you start worrying about things that are over and done with, you're merely trying to saw sawdust; You can't grind any grain with water that has already gone down the creek.

Here is a three step plan developed by William Carrier (founder of Carrier Air Conditioners) he used to manage worry and is valuable to reducing fears of the future (which has not arrived) : Step 1. Analyze the situation fearlessly and honestly. What is the worst that could happen? Step 2. Reconcile yourself to accepting it if necessary. Step 3. Moving forward, devote your time and energy to trying to improve the worst which you have already mentally accepted.
Worrying about the future compromises concentration and creativity, making it harder to see things clearly or a potential solution. It also makes it difficult to make a decision. If you face the fear of the worst case scenario , the vague imaginings are eliminated and you are now in a position to act.

With loss, often the worst is already over. The future is in the future. Now is what there is.

Don't Pay Too Much Attention to What Others Say

2011-11-03T09:50:00.000-04:00

Have people around you told you to:

Pull yourself together.
It's time that you were "getting over it" now.
Don't make any changes for a year.
You need to think of only the happy times

and so on and so forth.

Those around you feel discomfort at your sadness and want it to end-for your sake as well as theirs.

Grief is a PROCESS. Take your time. YOUR thoughts and needs will change many times. YOU are the best judge. YOU will decide when the time has come to let go. When to close that chapter of your life and when to concentrate on a new one. In life there are many endings and beginnings. There is a time to stop and grieve and a time to start living again. Only you will know the difference.

In time YOU will recognize the endings of your grief and the beginnings of a new life.

And your friends will be relieved but may still be grief struck because you have gone through your process, but have they?

(adapted from Surviving a Journey Through Grief by Paula Brindley, 2006)

Samhain: Celtic Halloween

2011-10-31T16:23:00.001-04:00

This is taken from The Grandmother of Time by Zsuzsanna E. Budapest, 1989, Harper and Row, NY, NY.

The new year of the earth begins. We have reached the midpoint between Autumn Equinox and Winter Solstice. This is the time to think about our own mortality. The veil is the thinnest between the worlds tonight, and dead souls visit their living relatives. The custom of going door to door collecting sweet cakes and money came from a British custom of begging for the poor. When you let kids go trick-or-treating know that they represent the future. When children knock on your door offer them sweet gifts to sweeten the future. But the true stars of Halloween are the elderly. They represent the year, now worn old and gray. Remember grandmothers, grandfathers, and elderly relatives. Give them greeting cards and food or take them out to dinner. To appease the past is also good luck for the future.

You may also be interested in the posts on this blog for June 3, 2011 and November 1, 2010 .

Don't Withdraw Yourself

2011-10-21T15:35:00.000-04:00

Think about when you are afraid or anxious about something. What happens in your body? What happens in your mind? Fear is a stress reaction. It is programmed into us for survival in the not so distant primitive past. Breathing becomes restricted, our muscles tighten, our concentration narrows-everything about us withdraws and becomes pinpointed. If we were running away from a sabre- toothed tiger that would be great, but if we are grieving a loss, fight or flight actually keeps us distanced from the very things we need to heal the wound-connection and rest.

Fortunately, we are also programmed to be social and communal animals. Feeling loved, heard, and cared for allays fear. We relax, we are able to breathe more easily and deeply. We are able to be more optimistic.

Find your tribe-be with people who know you and can honor your woundedness. Allow yourself to be quiet and present in the here and now. Rest your body. Rest your mind. And your soul.

Don't Run Away

2011-10-12T15:41:00.000-04:00

Avoiding grief. This is often the unstated plan to deal with loss. Unfortunately, this is oxymoronic and faulty.

Susan Duke, author of Grieving Forward, Embracing Life Beyond Loss, writes" At times, willing yourself not to cry may be necessary, but it can also become an addictive form of coping if you practice it too often. After two week of keeping my faucet of tears turned off, I realized I was becoming irritable and nervous. I found ways of staying so busy I didn't have time to rest or think. I became even more exhausted than what grief normally causes. I could almost reach out and touch the wall I'd built around my heart." It is said that unexpressed grief snowballs...one loss piles onto another and then the next and then whamo...the who thing is collapsing and you find yourself in an avalanche. This is an appropo analogy if you've ever heard anyone describe what it feels like to be caught in an avalanche: poured into freezing, quick- setting plaster and left to suffocate; bone crushing pressure; disorienting to the point of not knowing which direction is up; unable to be seen in order for help to find you; cold and feeling as though you are going to die or being afraid you are.

Ultimately, deep sorrow requires release. And sometimes rescue.

Feeling Sorry For Yourself

2011-10-04T12:50:00.000-04:00

This is a continuation of the series of "Don'ts" posted on August 22, 2011. The technical issue preventing us from updating the blog has been corrected. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

People in support groups often say something like " I can't talk to my friends or family about how I am feeling because they'll think I'm just feeling sorry for myself ". John Martin in his book, I Can't Stop Crying, writes: To lose someone you love hurts, and it will hurt for a very long time. A major part of your life is gone and it will never be back. It often feels like you've been robbed or cheated, or like something very significant has been ripped from you. No one can undo this hurt. Anyone who suggests to you that it's not so bad, that everything is going to be fine, that you need to focus on the good things and forget your pain, is probably too uncomfortable to really hear about your grief. He goes on to encourage people to understand that your feelings are subjective and unique. No one else can determine the weight and significance of your feelings. Furthermore he counsels that feelings have no moral value. They are not good or bad, right or wrong; they simply exist and need to be recognized and acknowledged for what they are. How we express our feelings may have moral value, but the feelings themselves do not.

To acknowledge your loss and pain and "feel sorry for yourself" is a simple statement of fact. It is part of the grief process and also the healing process. People can feel sorry for others AND themselves at the same time- you are not robbing the world of sorrow if you acknowledge your own. John Denver's song I'm Sorry reflects this.

However, sometimes we can become too identified with or invested in this feeling. We don't want to give it up because it is seen as "one more thing being taken away" or we find an uneasy comfort in the role of "mourner". Sometimes, being stuck in our sorrow for ourselves helps us to feel closer to the lost loved one or to feel justified about the cruelty of life or our status as martyr.

It is important to find someone who will listen and with whom you can talk to (honestly) about feeling sorry for yourself and who can help you determine the benefence of your sorrow...is it helping or hurting you in your grief ?

What if you determine you are stuck? Stephen Covey in the classic The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People writes...selfishness violates the values of most people, but, paying attention to the development of self in the greater perspective of improving one's ability to serve, to produce, to contribute in meaningful ways gives context for dramatic increase in the four life-support factors: security, guidance, wisdom and power. All areas we feel the heft of loss most strongly.

How do you serve and contribute in a meaningful way-especially when you are grieving? Alfred Adler, a mid century psychiatrist, prescribes Try to think everyday how you can please someone. Dale Carnegie in his books offers similar advice, encouraging people to try to create a little happiness for others. He goes on to say "when you are good to others, you are best to yourself.

I had an undergraduate professor, in a lecture titled Forty Things to Do When There is Nothing to be Done, state "lean into the pain like a V-let it support you." The trick is knowing when it is no longer supporting you.

Our apologies...

2011-09-29T11:23:00.000-04:00

We are having some technical difficulties and have not been able to post for the past few weeks. We will remedy this as quickly as possible.

Again, sorry for any inconvenience this may cause and we appreciate your patience and understanding.

Drowning Sorrow

2011-09-08T16:27:00.000-04:00

Don't drug yourself. In grief, some people turn to alcohol, drugs and other substances (food) and activities(sleeping, shopping, sex, gambling) in an attempt to numb themselves and deaden any feelings associated with the loss. Borrowing from alcoholrehab.com, it is also possible someone could be using substances to punish themselves for a loss, as in the case of a relationship breakdown, an accident, or the loss of a child.
Many people who begin to use substances at a time of loss do so to ignore their emotions and appear to be strong when they are not. We often feel that it is a weakness to cry, need other people, and be sad. Using substances at a time of grief can have very serious implications. A person may become reckless and do things that they would otherwise not do because of their emotional state. They may use multiple drugs, drink to excess, engage in risk-behaviors, share needles or take drugs they would otherwise not take. Additionally, they may begin to associate with people who take drugs also and surround themselves with people who are unstable and potentially harmful. Some people may isolate themselves and take drugs by themselves.

If this is a pattern you find yourself falling into or you have a history of compulsive and addictive behavior, addictionblog.org offers this list of coping skills to help avoid drugging yourself.

1. Turn to friends and family members for help

After a loss, you need to lean on the people who care about you. Even if you pride yourself in being strong and able to handle what life throws at you. Don’t avoid your loved ones. Accept their offer to help you.

2. Draw comfort for loss from your faith

Use spiritual activities, such as praying, meditating or going to church. Many people question their faith during and after the loss of a loved one. It happened to me. I lost my faith in God for months. I blamed him for the loss of my mom. It wasn’t until I opened up to my minister and my church family that I regained my faith. Your faith can get you through many trials in life.

3. Join a support group for grief counseling

Grief can be very lonely. Even with loved ones around, you still feel lonely. It helps when you can share your feelings with others who have experienced similar losses. There are many bereavement support groups. To find one near you, contact your local hospital, hospice or counseling center. See Beacon Hospice's schedule of groups on the top of the blog, too.

4. Face your feelings about grief and loss

You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. You have to acknowledge your pain to begin to heal. If you avoid your feelings of loss and sadness, you only prolong the grieving process. Unresolved grief can lead to complications such as depression, health problems and substance abuse.

5. Express your grief through art therapy

Expressing your feelings in a creative way, such as journaling, helps the grieving process. Write about your loss in a journal. Keeping a journal can be very comforting. Some people say writing a letter in your journal is a way to feel connected to the loved one you lost. You can also say things you never got to say in that letter. Or you might use other types of art therapies to help you process your thoughts, feelings and move through the stages of grief.

Also, read the August 9, 2011 entry from this blog.

2011-08-30T11:35:00.001-04:00

A recent post addressed "don'ts" related to grieving. Let's take a closer look at the first don't:

Don't condemn yourself

Don't condemn yourself. Very often we feel guilty or as if we are doing something wrong if we express our grief or experience it for a longer time than we or others think is "healthy " or "normal". Or we believe there must have been something we should /could have done to prevent the loss in the first place. Conversely, sometimes we feel badly if we don't express grief or seem to be "over it" too quickly.

Culturally,we are not really taught how to grieve or how to support those who are bereft. It is unfamiliar to us. Often we try to avoid that which makes us uncomfortable-and grief is uncomfortable. Grief is idiosyncratic in that it is a reflection of our individual constitution or temperment. Each loss elicits a unique response. We might become familiar with our "grieving style", but there are still surprises along the path.
Sometimes, it is what it is and the only way around is through (R. Frost). How you mourn the loss of your cat when you are sixteen will, most likely, be very different from how you react to the death of your spouse when you are 80 years old.
.

What if you are struggling with the idea that you should've known, could have done something? Sometimes, this is true and your feelings of guilt are legitimate and amends need to be made if at all possible. This can also be a normal aspect of the grieving process. Most people will go through the "what ifs and if onlys" in order to arrive at the same conclusion and outcome. In some situations, continuing to ascertain YOU could have changed the outcome in some super human or super power manner, serves only to keep you from experiencing the pain of the loss and beginning the grieving process.

Instead of condemning yourself why not work to understand your loss and subsequent grief and find outlets for expressing yourself? Reading, talking, counseling, support groups, prayer, writing, art, are all powerful tools to begin to understand how you think, feel, and mourn.

photo credit: Heather Thompson

Thought for Today

2011-08-24T13:58:00.000-04:00

May your heart sing and your soul rejoice. Experience the wonder of life.

Celebrate all that is good and blessed about your life, realizing that gratitude is a powerful remedy. Appreciating your blessings increases the vitality of your life force.

from Healing Cards by Caroline Myss and Peter Occhiogrosso (http://www.hayhouse.com/)

Overcoming Grief: A List of Don'ts

2011-08-22T15:16:00.002-04:00

C. Earl Gibbs writes in his book titled Caring for the Grieving:

Many variations of attitudes and forms of ministry can be categorized under this heading

(overcoming grief).

The element which they have in common is the desire to do away with grief by overcoming it

too quickly. Words of comfort are given too easily, emotions are suppressed and attempts are made to

make death and grief as inconspicuous as possible.

Often the elements of denial, which were discussed earlier are incorporated into this model in which a

person seeks to over come the reality of grief by denying the full process of the grief. Euphemisms,

attitudes, facial expressions, superficial approaches, and meaningless phrases all are used in an effort to

soothe the mourners.

Because so many people misunderstand the nature of grief and try to cover it up, Edgar Jackson offered

a list of things to avoid in one of his little books (You and Your Grief) designed to be a guide for the

bereaved.

Don't condemn yourself.
Don't drug yourself.
Don't feel sorry for yourself.
Don't run away.
Don't withdraw yourself.
Don't pay too much attention to what others say.
Don't cross bridges until you come to them.
Above all, don't underestimate yourself.

Over the next few posts, we will explore some of these don'ts in more detail.

Be the Chicken

2011-08-17T16:26:00.000-04:00

From caring for chickens in recent years, I have come to understand a substantial amount of chicken wisdom. I observe them cleaning themselves with dirt rather that water, for example. They take dust baths to rid themselves of parasites, loving to snuggle into the Earth. At night chickens tend to choose specific partners to sleep next to and sometimes sleep under their wing. Chicken wisdom has to do with surrendering to what is: joy at the dawn, transformation of throwaways into eggs, and love of the Earth. Shepherd Bliss, In Praise of Sweet Darkness from Ecotherapy, Healing with Nature in Mind edited by Linda Buzell and Craig Chalquist

What can we learn from chickens regarding taking care of ourselves in times of loss and grief? The above image of "snuggling into the Earth" seems like a good starting point. Are there places you go to in nature that embrace and enfold in such a way that you leave those places feeling revived and re-connected? How can you bring those elements into your daily living? If being near the water is rejuvenating for you-can you create a small pond or water element in your backyard or on your terrace? Maybe have a small fountain in your office? What if your go-to place is the forest? Surround yourself with wood (paneling, decor, furniture), use cedar pillows in your car...you get the idea. Incorporate items that engage as many of your senses as possible.

Do you have someone who takes you "under their wing" ? Perhaps someone who has come through a similar grief experience. If you are part of a support group (like a flock), members may be able to do this for one another.

Make like a chicken and discover and attend to the miracle of the everyday, the power of transformation, and look for the good.

Be the chicken and surrender to what is.

Grief and Substance Abuse

2011-08-09T17:07:00.000-04:00

The following is adapted from an article written by Deb Kozisek, MA, former bereavement coordinator for Beacon Hospice. The article originally appeared in the Harbors of Hope newsletter, Winter, 2009

Grief as a Trigger of Substance Abuse

The effect alcohol or drugs have on our bodies may seem to assist individuals in avoiding or fading the feelings of emotional pain and responses to grief. Bereaved individual are at an increased risk of overusing, abusing or becoming addicted to any substance. In fact, research suggests that a higher proportion of individuals seeking treatment for substance abuse are bereaved.

The effects and consequences of alcohol or drug overuse, abuse or addiction jeopardizes physical health, psychological health and stability, safety, relationships, finances, employment, freedom and spirituality. Sadly, the perceived benefits of alcohol or drugs are only temporary, and the consequences of overuse, abuse, or addiction make an already painful situation more painful and damaging and normal, healthy, and healing grief is inhibited. Thus, the frequency and intensity of unwanted feelings or experiences increases, grief is not resolved, the need for alcohol or drugs increases and it becomes clear how the cycle of overuse, abuse and addiction begins.

Substance Abuse as a Trigger of Grief

Loss is the breaking of a bond with a person, place, thing or idea, and alcohol and drug overuse, abuse and addiction are widely known to cause the loss of physical health, safety, relationships, fiances, employment, freedom and spirituality. Resultantly, grief is a predictable result of the losses that accompany substance use and abuse. Again, the development of a cycle of grief and substance abuse becomes apparent: substance abuse causes the losses that cause grief and the desire to use substances.

First Things First

Sobriety comes first. While it is understandable that the feelings of grief and sadness are overwhelming to the individual, and it may cause them to seek the effect of alcohol and drugs, it is not realist to expect that real emotional pain can be managed effectively if there is not a sober mind to direct it.

Resources for Help

AA -Alcoholics Anonymous, 24 hour Hotline, 1-800-737-6237, www.aaa.org
Al-Anon, www.al-anon.org or www.al-anon-alateen.org
Narcotics Anonymous, 818-773-9999, www.na.org
www.recoveryhelper.org
www.addictionresourcesguide.com

Q and A

I recently lost my wife; I have always enjoyed a glass or two of wine with dinner. What is my risk for abuse and addiction?

There is no single test to define whether addition can or will affect any person. If you continue with the same pattern, and you work through your grief, your risk may not be elevated. However, if there is a change in your pattern or volume of drinking, or if you find yourself drinking to "forget" or avoid pain or loneliness, you are likely at an increased risk. Talk to people who you can have a mutually honest relationship with about your concern. Ask them to gently tell you if they perceive any changes that concern them, and seriously consider any concerns they mention.

Empty Nest

2011-08-03T15:38:00.001-04:00

August. The light changes, the air has a different quality to it, the wind in the leaves remind us that Autumn is close at hand. New life is breathed into college campus' by freshman and their families arriving for orientation. It is an exciting time for the collegian embarking on this journey into independence and a bittersweet time for the parents who are leaving their babies to a brave new world and entrusting them to the lessons and moral compasses they hope have been instilled in them.

Empty nest is a term that encapsulates the feelings of loss experienced by parents when their progeny leave home. It is a form of separation anxiety. Roles, identities, activities and relationships may be altered in obvious and subtle ways. Normal reactions include sadness, weepiness, or spending time in your child's room to feel closer to him or her. Feelings of despair, isolating from others, avoiding things that give you pleasure or having a diminished sense of life's meaning are symptoms suggesting a need for more intensive support from a counselor or your doctor.

Tips to Ease the Transition for You, your Spouse and your Child

YOU

Explore your identity. You may have limited your role to that of "mother/father". Now that your time commitment to that role is down-sized-who are you -REALLY? or Who do you want to be? It is never too late to re-invent yourself.
Create a support group of friends and family going through the same transition or have already fledged their kids.
Be kind to yourself and plan some "pampering".
Practice cognitive restructuring. For example, you've gained a bathroom with unlimited privacy; phone calls are for you from people who really want to talk to you...
Return to work, volunteer, join groups, explore new hobbies, travel, experiment with different cuisines...embrace your new found freedom.
Make a list of things you notice right away that is different since your child has left the house. Things such as happy emails and calls from your child, lower grocery bills, food in fridge and cupboards, the house stays clean, there is less laundry, quiet, hot water...

YOUR SPOUSE

Discuss with your spouse hopes and dreams for the future
Adjust your daily expectations of one another
Share your mutual grief
Talk about and develop a plan to manage money concerns
Understand and support one another regarding the symptoms of menopause and andropause
Look at downsizing-declutter and simplify your life
Explore role changes
Create a plan to deal with "boomerang kids"
Contemplate grandchildren
Devote time and energy to your aging parents
Plan trips
Have FUN together
Schedule dates with one another
Empty nest dads may feel regret over things undone and time not spent with the kids. Talk about it.

YOUR CHILD

Be sensitive to the significant changes your son or daughter is trying to make
Be supportive, but try not to cling or overwhelm
Agree on mode and frequency of contact-email, text, telephone calls and how often
Try not to rescue if they are struggling with homesickness in the first few weeks-if they can sort it out for themselves, this is great accomplishment!
buy some credit for their mobile phone or a book voucher, send a care package
email funny stories about what is going on at home or in the community
no guilt trips

Children moving out of the family home still require parenting, but the context and challenges are changed. However, the love, commitment and fulfillment remain.. We will be our children's parents for many more years after they leave home than they were under our roof.

There is no right way to deal with the issues, challenges and dilemmas you face as an empty nest parent. Each person and family has to find a solution that works for them, but perhaps some of the tips above will help to make the transition go more smoothly.

Ambiguous Loss

2011-07-19T12:25:00.002-04:00

During the summer of 2006 a search was mounted in the Big Moose region of the Adirondacks in upstate NY. The hoped for find was my cousin. There were at least two other man hunts that summer for other missing hikers and campers in the region. No trace was found. It is now five years later and still no evidence has surfaced of what happened to him or the others. There is little comfort to be found. Speculation leads to more unanswered questions and feelings of uneasiness. My family and I have no sense of closure. His absence is a wound without a scab. We are suffering an ambiguous loss.

Ambiguous loss is typically not officially acknowledged by others. The nature of the loss implies there is no possibility of closure or completion. There are two types of ambiguous loss. When someone is physically missing but their whereabouts is unclear. They are psychologically present in the minds and hearts of the survivors because their status as dead or alive is unclear. The second type is when a loved one is psychologically absent but physically present. Examples include brain injury, dementia, and addiction.

Pauline Boss, PhD, identifies missing soldiers in a war, missing people in a natural disaster, kidnapping, hostage-taking, terrorism, incarceration, desertion, mysterious disappearance, missing bodies as in murder or a plane crash, Alzheimer's disease and dementia, chronic mental illness, addictions, depression and traumatic head injury as catastrophic and sometimes unexpected ambiguous loss. More common ambiguous losses that we often don't even identify as loss include immigration and migration, adoption, divorce and remarriage, work relocation, military deployment, empty nest, moving to assisted care facilities/ nursing home, homesickness, preoccupation with work, and obsession with computer games, internet, tv and other social media.

In this context, we all share common feelings and struggle with ambiguous loss. For more information about coping with ambiguous loss please read Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief (1999), Loss, Trauma, and Resilience (2006) all by Pauline Boss, PhD and visit http://www.ambiguousloss.com/.

Thoughts on Resistance

2011-07-06T10:35:00.001-04:00

The world's great spiritual traditions offer many paths to healing wisdom. Sometimes it is helpful to step outside of your normal mode of response and experience and look at your situation from a different perspective. Carolyn Myss and Peter Occhiogrosso have created a deck of Healing Cards that highlight important insights from these healing traditions (http://www.hayhouse.com/). Here is an example:

Resisting change leads to illness. Accepting change brings about peace.
Embrace the changes in your life. Release what you no longer need, and welcome the seed of new experience.

In your grief journey you have experienced many changes. Perhaps you have fought these changes. Perhaps you are angry or scared or lonely. This is all part of the healing process, but sometimes it is difficult to break away from these feelings even after they no longer serve us. If you see yourself caught by reactions, thoughts, and feelings that no longer serve you, how can you create the intention to release what you no longer need? Is there a seed of new experience you choose to plant and nurture for your new and changed self?

How Well Are You Coping with the Death of your Pet?

2011-06-23T11:57:00.001-04:00

How well are you handling the death of your pet? This questionnaire can help you determine if you need assistance in working through the grief process. Answer each question by with yes or no.

Do you wish that your emotional and mental reactions to the death of the pet were different?
Are you bothered by other people's reactions?
Do you feel the loss of meaning in your life but don't know what to do to help fill the void?
Do you feel you should have taken better care of your pet?
Are you feeling apathetic and unable to face your pet's death?
Are you crying and upset much of the time, and do you think you are emotionally overreacting?
Do you avoid your feelings because you are afraid that they will be just too overwhelming?
Are you reluctant to get another pet because you fear that one day it will be gone too?
Are you depressed?
Do you have difficulty finding good, empathetic support systems?
Are you uncertain about what the loss of your pet actually means to you?
Are you having trouble knowing what to say to your children about the death of the family pet?
Are you in conflict about a decision to euthanize your pet?
Are you undecided whether to be present during the euthanasia ?
Are you uncertain about the right time to get another pet?
Do you wish your family were more supportive and understanding about your loss?

Add up the number of times you responded yes:
If you scored 9-16 your loss has greatly affected you . You need to develop more knowledge and understanding of the grieving process and techniques that can help you cope. A support group, pet bereavement seminar or session with a counselor would be helpful.

If you scored 6-9 you fluctuate between handling your in an appropriate and effective manner, and not handling the loss well at all. You are on the right path but need guidance to avoid a possible hazard.

If you scored 4-5 you are working through your loss. Hang in there and accept your feelings.

If you scored 1-3, you are handling the bereavement process well. You will be experiencing signs of recovery shortly.

Created by Diane Kelley, Ph.D; appeared in Cat Fancy, February 1989

You can find a pet loss group or support by contacting you local Beacon Hospice bereavement coordinator. You can find a list of offices and coordinators in the tabs at the top of the blog.

Supporting Those Who Are Grieving

2011-06-14T12:10:00.001-04:00

     When a friend or co-worker has suffered a loss, the impact is often felt by everyone in their circle or office/ organization. We feel awkward and don't know what to do or say. The loss may stir up our own existential anxieties or painful losses.
     Following are some guidelines that may make supporting friends or colleagues a bit easier for the both of you. Suggestions from the American Cancer Society include aacknowledging the situation. Ex; " I heard that your___________died." Use the word died. That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels. Express your concern. Ex; " I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. ". Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Ex; "I am not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care." .Offer your support. Ex: " Tell me what I can do for you.". Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.
     It is important to avoid telling and focusing on your own grief story. Later, as time passes and the shock has diminished, your co-worker may ask you questions about your loss(es) and how you coped, but when initially offering support it is important to let them have their story. Comparing losses and grief is also something to avoid. Grief is idiosyncratic and there are a number of factors that compromise loss-it is like comparing apples to oranges-they are both fruit, but that is where the similarity ends. Don't judge according to grief stages (Kubler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). That was never the intended the purpose of them and it minimizes what the bereaved is actually experiencing. Avoid giving unsolicited advice. Your co-worker doesn't need you to fix it- they need support and compassion. There is little we can say to ease the pain and common cliches meant to comfort such as "Be strong", "You still have a lot to be grateful for", "Time heals all wounds", "It's God's will", "Be thankful they're not in pain", "Remember the good times"... sound trivial and impersonal. We have all heard them, said them, and most likely had them said to us, but any comfort they provide, is usually for the speaker, not the listener. Often the bereaved might say these things after some time has passed. Then it is O.K. to support the statement, but we, as the support person, don't want to generate these cliches. Also, probing for details may be seen as insensitive and intrusive. Being able to listen attentively and simply offer a human presence is sometimes the most helpful thing we can do or be.
It is important to make contact as soon as possible after hearing of the loss. A personal visit or telephone call, attendance at the memorial/service, and sending a sympathy card with a personalized message or sharing a  memory or story of the deceased or their relationship to the griever are all positive, supportive things to do. Ask them what they need or want. They may not be able to tell you, so offer a specific time and activity such as "I can come over and walk the dog tonight between 7 and 7:30" or " I made you a lasagna. I'm bringing it by tomorrow noon".
Grieving is a long process. Offering on-going support and understanding days, weeks, and months after the death is vital. Awareness of holidays, special dates and anniversaries is another good way to let the griever know you are thinking of them.
.

Thin Places

2011-06-03T11:22:00.001-04:00

     I first heard this term only a few weeks ago when our chaplain read us an essay from a Rabbi about the concept of "thin places" (sometimes called thin spaces). Since that time, it has come up multiple times in a variety of contexts. So, I've decided perhaps I should pay some attention to it.
     The concept is born from Celtic traditions and beliefs that certain locations give us opening into a place of sacredness. A place where the boundary between heaven and earth is especially thin and where we can sense the divine more readily. People through time have been drawn to these locales.
     Thin places change us. Sylvia Maddox writes "We return from thin places refreshed and renewed. We are graced with a new awareness of the thin places in all of life. Having seen the glimpses of glory in those sacred landscapes, we begin to see glimpses all around us. Soon the birds outside our window sing of the mystery we might have passed over in our busyness."
     I believe thin places can also apply to events in life-moments in time when the veil is lifted and we are awash in the transcendent; the holy becomes ordinary and the ordinary holy. For example, birth and death. Neither of these things are rare, but for each person and family involved, it is unique. As Mary Oliver writes in When Death Comes"... and I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular,..."
    Reflect on the thin places and events in your own life. Where is a place or event that refreshes your spirit and opens the door to the threshold of the sacred? You, too, can return to this place in your imagination and once again feel the power and fullness gifted to you by this place of possibility and strength.

Keeping Loss in Perspective

2011-05-26T10:03:00.000-04:00

It's impossible to turn on the TV news these days and not be overwhelmed by the stories related to loss. Millions of people we don't know are dying of natural disasters, homes are continuing to be foreclosed, jobs are continuing to be difficult to keep and find, children are being murdered...

In addition to that we have our own lives with our own fears. Is my job safe? Will my salary sustain me and my family? What about my future? Are we safe in our home? Then we have the ever present reality that sickness or even death might affect our family and friends with profound changes and the grief and loss which that brings.

Breathe. Calm yourself.

The reality is if we fill ourselves up with "what ifs..." it is all too easy to work ourselves up into a panic mode.
So, take another deep breath and ....

Lead with love and not fear.

With everything that is going on in the world, it is important to follow through on our responsibilities-to ourselves, our family, our work. But aside from that, most things are out of our control. If we lose our perspective, we can become fear based, we become tight and scared and try to control the people and situations around us. If we lead with love-both to give love and to allow ourselves to receive love from others, even in small and subtle ways-we trust that all will work out OK, regardless of the outcome.

We have the opportunity to choose to lead with love everyday.

Believe in abundance, not scarcity. We need to focus on what we do have, not on what we don't have. To have a spirit of gratitude for what is, instead of the way we wish it was. Often the abundance is in the things money can't buy-love, family, friends, work, health.

Cherish the moment and the people in it.

When we are with our loved ones who are dying or with our family in grief, we are fortunate to be with them at these sacred times when what is most important is treating them with respect and dignity. All that matters is loving and being loved.

In our world we see so much loss, yet what is most enduring? What do you remember most when someone you love dies? What do you remember most when someone has been kind to you? What is the legacy you want to leave?

In caring for others, we have the privilege to learn wisdom-to learn what to say to each other when not many words are necessary. We are reminded by Dr. Ira Byock in his book, The Four Things That Matter Most, the most important words are:

Please forgive me
I forgive you
Thank you
I love you

So, take a deep breath, center yourself, ground yourself in hope and love, and don't lose perspective.

Adapted from an essay by Jane Dubois, MS, MDiv., Vice President, Bereavement and Spiritual Care at Beacon Hospice.

Prayers and Meditations- a new section on this blog

2011-05-12T11:16:00.000-04:00

We have added a new page to our blog titled "Prayers and Meditations". It is intended to provide you with words of comfort you can turn to often.

Mother Memories

2011-05-04T16:27:00.000-04:00

The memories return

"Don't worry,"
Rachel said,
"if your memories
of your mother
disappear.

After a few months
they will be back
fresher than ever."

It's true.
The memories of her last difficult days
have faded.
Two days ago she appeared to me
wearing the green & white striped cotton dress
she had when I was a kind, in the 1940's,
in her forties,
her lovely dark hair
yet to be lovely silver.

Today I wore her sting of pearls,
knowing that wearing them agains thte skin
renews their lustre

Karen Ethelsdattar, Jersey City, NJ from The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents by Alexander Levy, c 1999

In honor of Mother's Day please share a memory of your mother with someone who is close to you. Perhaps if your own mother is still alive, share it with her.

How to Help

2011-04-27T11:41:00.000-04:00

It is a universal human struggle-how to respond to people in emotional need. We don't want to say the wrong thing or upset someone further. So, we just don't say anything or we "get busy" doing and fixing. If you have ever been on the receiving end of someone trying to support you through a loss or difficult time, you knew when someone dealt with you in a helpful manner-even if you couldn't really pinpoint what was so helpful. And you definitely knew when someone had it wrong.

Most people report they feel they don't receive as much support as they perceive they need. So what, generally, is judged as helpful, in response to loss and distress? Studies show bereft people who have an opportunity to express feelings without having them dismissed and contact with "similar others" (as in a support group) believe they are well connected and supported and will "do well". When the helper acts primarily to minimze their own anxiety, gives a message (or messages) the bereaved is coping poorly, gives advice or encourages recovery too quickly or too soon -this is experienced as less helpful. Not surprisingly the most unhelpful responses were from family and friends.

Where does your helping style fall? What will you do to enhance it?

Memorial

2011-04-18T11:55:00.000-04:00

The desk provided me with endless hours of fascination when I was a young child. Looking at it now, I recognize it’s rich patina as one particular to most everything having taken up residence at my parent’s house-age and nicotine. The varnish is worn away behind each smooth curved handle. There are a few shallow scratches across the top of it. It looks naked and exposed without the desk mat, gooseneck lamp, pipe holder and ceramic naked lady mug I made for my father, taking up residence on it’s surface.

Upon opening the drawers, I am surprised to find belongings of my own filling them, instead of what my habituated eyes are expecting to see...discarded keys, bills, ink stamps, screwdrivers, GE memo pads, 8mm movie canisters, Zippo lighters in various states of repair and flints, a handgun in a long forgotten toy holster, maps, a chemists scale and pouches of Borkum Riff.

The smell of the pipe tobacco is a ghost that reliably escapes from it’s long, thin, center drawer coffin. It hangs hauntingly in the air as it always has and I fervently hope always will.

My father died 5 years ago today. I miss him everyday.

High Bereavement Risk

2011-04-14T14:51:00.000-04:00

If somebody is at a high risk for complications related to bereavement one or more of the following factors are present:

client perceives social support as very limited or nonexistent
history or immediate evidence of ineffective coping
multiple stressors (e.g. financial distress, loss of role, job or health)
ambivalent or conflicted relationship with the deceased
psychiatric symptoms of major depression or personality disorder
inability to acknowledge the death or the death is unexplained
very high degree of dependence on the deceased
suicidal ideation
danger to self or others

Journal of Hospice and Palliative Care (1990)

Threatening behavior toward self or others requires immediate intervention, perhaps involving police or legal ramifications. People who are at a high risk are encouraged to seek professional help. Mourners who score moderate or low on the risk scales usually find support groups helpful.
When thinking about yourself or loved ones and their bereavement risk, is there anything you would be concerned about? Is there anything you can do proactively?

Moderate Bereavement Risk

2011-04-07T10:11:00.000-04:00

What constitutes a moderate level of risk for adjustment after a loss? Grief professionals look for two or more of the following factors present in the lives of the bereaved:

limited social support or perception of limited support by the bereaved
difficulty coping with current or past stressors
stressors, in addition to the loss, are present such as financial, housing, relationship difficulties
poor health or somatic symptoms lasting more than a month (after the death)
guilt or ambivalence about the loved ones death or the care provided prior to the death
unresolved previous losses
unexpected death
younger age (of the deceased) or young children at home

Journal of Hospice and Palliative Care

Again, as in the previous entry about low bereavement risk, we can be proactive in bolstering our internal and external resources to help us weather the inevitability of various losses inherent in life...develop a quality network of friends and family, learn how to manage stress better, maintain physical and financial health, resolve unfinished business with loved ones, attend to our own hurts, and perhaps ultimately, continually examine the existential nature of death and what that means to each of us.

What is a Low Risk for Bereavement Adjustment Difficulties?

2011-03-30T13:34:00.000-04:00

Generally, people who exhibit the following factors are expected to manage their grief and cope well with a loss:

Self perception of adequate social support.
Effective coping with past losses and /or crisis.
Adequate financial resources.
Positive relationship with the deceased or resolved separation.
Belief that care provided prior to death was adequate.

(Journal of Hospice and Palliative Care [1990])

An important factor is what one believes-self perception- in all of these areas. Others, professionals included, often have preconceived ideas of how and what people need, should have or be in order to grieve well (another area that is best left to each individual to evaluate for themselves). But, in the end, how well we cope is directly related to how well we expect to cope and our self-perceived meaning of loss and recovery.

As you evaluate yourself against these criteria, is there room for improvement? Perhaps focusing time and energy on developing a strong social network of supportive friends, learning about and practicing skills such as relaxation and meditation, cognitive restructuring, enhancing your spiritual base, etc., becoming financially sound (even consider long-term care insurance), mending and deepening relationships with important people in your life and learning about and getting comfortable with end-of-life issues and the wishes of your loved ones will not only be a boon to you now, but also in times of loss and grief.

Understanding Bereavement Risk Factors

2011-03-22T10:15:00.000-04:00

How someone responds and adjusts to a loss is variable and idiosyncratic. There are many factors that impact reactions to loss. Think about your own losses-some you were most likely able to acknowledge, mourn and incorporate into your life and "move on" with much more ease than others. What made the difference?

The relationship you had with what was lost and the meaning it held for you, the nature of the loss-sudden and unexpected, the quality of your own life at the time of the loss, your previous loss history-all this and more has an effect on your response.

There are three levels of "risk" associated with loss-low, moderate and high.

These risk levels will be addressed in more detail in upcoming entries-stay tuned.

Disasters and Resiliency

2011-03-14T11:01:00.000-04:00

The earthquake in New Zealand, the piracy and killings in Africa, tsunamis, the death of your father...all disasterous to those affected by the trauma and loss associated with them. Are there key characteristics found among people who survive, mentally and physically, these events?

Common traits of people who survive crises well include feeling hopeful, a sense of belonging, positivity, optimism, tenacity, and confidence.

Hope and belief in yourself and your abilities is critical to a positive outcome. Simply expecting positive results is tantamount to realizing a positive outcome. Being "positively superstitious" such as believing in luck or a higher power, believing that you can do it-whatever it might be, believing that things will work out as well as they can and that your actions are supportive of this outcome while recognizing the reality of the situation and believing that outside sources are working for your best interests and personal welfare are examples of how survivors think.

Resilient people don't sugar coat what has happened-they understand the magnitude of what they have lost, but they also learn to forgive, others and themselves for their mistakes and for surviving. They give themselves reason to live and accept their good qualities. They develop a plan and take action. They establish routines, celebrate all successes no matter how small, keep moving forward and never give up.

Being a part of a larger community who stands by, supports, and accepts you increases well-being and decreases traumatization.

Our hearts go out to the people of Japan, especially at this time. In the larger scope of surviving they are struggling amid devastation to simply get basic needs met. Please envelop them in the healing power of the larger world community.

My Grandpa's Hands

2011-03-03T10:48:00.000-05:00

This is a poem, used with permission, from a family member, Anna Elizabeth O'Neil, of one of our grief support group members.

My Grandpa's Hands

Hold mine
as he teaches me
to skate across the ice

Knead bread
and build things
and fix the world

Make phone calls
and hammer political signs
into the ground

Gesture and motion
and emphasize a point
as he brings sanity to an argument

Spread out, palms up,
as he tells a story
and shares the truth of his life

Lay on the couch,
half circling the remote
after falling asleep

Pat backs, hold hands,
give hugs for the last time,
firm and unwavering to the end.

They Were.

2011-03-02T15:52:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's a sleight of hand (or mind, in this case) of a long winter, the approach of another birthday, or-and this is the most likely the case, the recurrent nature of grief and loss, but I find myself dreaming about the past and all the people who once populated it. Sometimes, the dreams are sad, but more often they stir up memories that linger with me for days and keep me less focused on the present- less mindful of the life I have and less present for those I love in the here and now.

Over the weekend I attended a funeral. The minister concluded his homily with this sentiment; Do not be grieved they are no longer, be thankful they were.

For whom are you thankful-past and present?

Generations; a story by Brian Andreas

2011-02-22T12:08:00.000-05:00

It came on her
without thinking
that she was
the exact age
as her mother was
& no matter what,
it would have been hard to
leave

& suddenly
all the generations
gathered around her
in that small kitchen
& held her close

& they would have
blocked the light
if they had not
come filled with
their memories
of love.

www.storypeople.org

Another Story of Visitors at End -of-Life

2011-02-10T11:15:00.000-05:00

from Sacred Stories of Our Own, stories of Beacon Hospice volunteeres and staff-

Love and Family

My patient, Robin, had been in the nursing facility for some time, and when hospice services were brought in, she was most certainly in the end stages of dementia. Robin, as in the cases of many end stage dementia patients, spoke rarely, or in "word salads", making no sense as they attempt to communicate. Despite her inability to really communicate, Robin retained her pleasant nature, but I sensed she was declining, and knew her time was shortening. But she surprised me one day, by actually saying in fragmented wording, that she kept seeing a very tall man and little girl. She mentioned it a number of times, and I felt that she was being contacted in some way by this vision, and her death was close.

Robin did indeed die within a week of seeing these visitors, and I learned from her daughter that her father and Robin's husband was a very tall man, and that Robin had lost a daughter at the age of eight years old. I have no doubt in my mind that they had come to greet Robin, and bring her "home".

Burden

2011-02-07T15:33:00.000-05:00

"I don't want to be a burden on my family" is a common refrain heard in hospice care. Parents, brothers, sisters, spouses, mates, all wish to relieve loved ones of the work and worry of their care at end-of-life. Thomas Long has lectured  the sentiment of protecting our loved ones from the burden of our care is reflective of our modern distaste for bodies-real, aging, sick, and dead bodies and continues a denial of the betrayal of the body experienced with aging and illness. He also posits this takes away our ability to deepen our humanity and what it means to be human.
He encourages people to develop the capacity to "squint" and see the body as a symbol of something of worth and to honor the body-in spite of, or perhaps because of, it's brokenness. He, as well as other writers, encourage people to embrace the notion that "I WANT to be a burden on my family".  Identifying this as an opportunity rife with love, and challenge and growth, and payback for the "burden" of child rearing and parenting.
Burden is defined as a duty or responsibility. Webster's free dictionary informs the word burden is derived from Middle English, from Old English byrthen; akin to Old English beran to carry and it's first known use was before the 12th century. So, it is 900 year old word about carrying responsibility.   How will you burden or be burdened with the loved ones in your life?

Annette Coulombe photo

Therein Lies a Rough Road...

2011-02-01T16:15:00.000-05:00

I remember a middle-aged man whose father was dying; each day shorter of breath and one day closer to death. His son was continually requesting treatments his father did not want or need.

"How long did you hope your father to live?" I asked.

"I don't ever want my father to die."

Therein lies a rough road.

from Prolonged Grief: A New Psychological Disorder? by Paula Spencer, Caring.com

Suggestions for Managing Grief in the Workplace

2011-01-27T16:26:00.000-05:00

We often spend as much time (sometimes more) with our co-workers as we do with our families. Work is a big part of one's identity and routine. Losses experienced by our colleagues or the death of a co-worker impact the individuals involved and the organization. Timely support can make a critical difference for everyone.

Let people know about the death. Be sensitive in communicating the loss to employees. Give them time to absorb the news and to talk and support one another. If possible offer the remainder of the day off.
Provide an opportunity for employees to speak to a bereavement professional if they wish.*
Provide information about the funeral/service and provide coverage so that co-workers can attend if they wish to do so.
Memorialize the deceased employee in a manner that is appropriate for the setting. Examples include a plaque, a memory tree, a photo book, etc.*

* Beacon Hospice Bereavement Field Coordinators are available, at no cost, for support, education, and services of remembrance. Contact the office nearest you for more information.

Could I Be Grieving?

2011-01-19T16:44:00.000-05:00

" I never recognized that I felt grief until recently. It was a word used to describe somebody going through a tragic emotional time. Never a word to be associated with me. Now I see that it started the day of diagnosis and it hasn't ended." ( from Grief and Dementia: One Caregiver's Search for Help by Betsy Peterson, May-June, 2006)

How do you know when you are grieving?

Letters to Death

2011-01-17T16:01:00.002-05:00

In our support groups we sometimes use writing as a means toward healing. One of the exercises involves writing a letter to death.

Here are some examples of letters written by group members (with permission and anonymity):

Dear Death,

I know some things about you. You change the lives of a lot of people. I never thought of you before. Now you are all around me. Sometimes it's a good thing. Please be kind when you come. I personally do not fear you like I once did---I wish I understood you better, or maybe I know enough about you- A time for everything, and everything in time!?!

Dear Death,

You have taken all that I have dared to care for-including (for a few minutes) myself. You have taught me to cancel all my emotions so that now I fear loss in each person I begin to care about-friend or stranger.
You are a thief in the night-

What would you say to death?

"ITTY BIT" of God, spelled backwards is Dog.

2011-01-13T09:48:00.000-05:00

from Sacred Stories Of Our Own, Beacon Hospice, Inc.

One of my volunteers started visiting a home care patient who has dementia. This patient had a dog whose name is "Itty Bit". The volunteer and the patient became very close and after visiting for nearly a year, the patient's condition became worse and she had to be admitted to a a facility. It became obvious to everyone that Itty Bit would be lost without her master. The family decided to ask the volunteer if she would take Itty Bit and she agreed. Itty Bit and she have become fast friends and are inseparable. The family and the volunteer agree that Itty Bit's mother would love knowing that Itty Bit is cared for and loved. The volunteer agrees that it is just an "itty bit" of a thing to care for people and the things they love when they can't do it anymore.

Who would you trust with your loved ones or your favorite pet? We forget that our patients have beautiful pets that are left wondering where their loved ones have gone. They have no concept of time. They love unconditionally and miss them. I just think it's great that I get to meet people in this field who open their hearts and homes not only to help their human counter parts, but their four-legged friends as well.

The Heart Of Humanity- Sitting With Our Sadness

2011-01-05T15:56:00.000-05:00

Compliments of Daily Om from December 28, 2010

When we are dealing with sadness it is important to really sit with it and have the courage to do so.
The last thing most of us want to hear or think about when we are dealing with profound feelings of sadness is that deep learning can be found in this place. In the midst of our pain, we often feel picked on by life, or overwhelmed by the enormity of some loss, or simply too exhausted to try and examine the situation. We may feel far too disappointed and angry to look for anything resembling a bright side to our suffering. Still, somewhere in our hearts, we know that we will eventually emerge from the depths into the light of greater awareness. Remembering this truth, no matter how elusive it seems, can help.
The other thing we often would rather not hear when we are dealing with intense sadness is that the only way out of it is through it. Sitting with our sadness takes the courage to believe that we can bear the pain and the faith that we will come out the other side. With courage, we can allow ourselves to cycle through the grieving process with full inner permission to experience it. This is a powerful teaching that sadness has to offer us-the ability to surrender and the acceptance of change go hand in hand.
Another teaching of sadness is compassion for others who are in pain, because it is only in feeling our own pain that we can really understand and allow for someone else's. Sadness is something we all go through, and we all learn from it and are deepened by its presence in our lives. While our own individual experiences of sadness carry with them unique lessons, the implications of what we learn are universal. The wisdom we gain from going through the process of feeling loss, heartbreak, or deep disappointment gives us access to the heart of humanity.

Reprinted from DailyOM- Inspirational thoughts for a happy, healthy and fulfilling day. Register for free at www.dailyom.com.

Awakening to the oneness at the core of life

2010-12-22T15:28:00.001-05:00

I experienced the state of being part of life itself, reflected in the simplicity of Pearlie. In that simplicity, in that presence, I am completely alone and yet everything is included. For in freedom, in love, states of absence and presence are simply two faces of the same Beloved.

Still, I sometimes wish Pearlie were still alive so I could feel her warmth and simple sweetness. And of course I long to see my teacher again. I am passing through the second winter without him. Sometimes I wonder if he has forgotten me. But then I remind myself of what is most important. And in my own remembrance of what has been given, does his absence matter? (excerpted from Entering the Ordinary by Hillary Hart, Parabola, Summer 2006)

How do you experience being a part of life? What are you doing? When does it happen? What is most important?

Norman Vincent Peale (The Healing of Sorrow, 1966, Inspirational Book Service, Pawling, NY) offers some guidelines (edited) intended to help manage grief and perhaps draw closer "the oneness at the core of life":

Accept the fact that you are in a state of shock.
Despite your grief and sense of loss, try setting aside a few moments each day in which you open your mind to certain philosophical realizations.
Hold the thought that adversity can be turned into spiritual power if it is met with faith and courage.
Try prayer (mediation, mindfulness, ritual, etc. ) power.
Saturate yourself with spiritual readings.
Give expression to your grief.
Go on living normally.
Help someone else.

It is a this time of year, we are most reminded of "the presence of the absence" of loved ones and earlier times...may the spirit of the season fill your heart with love, hope, faith, courage and loving kindness. Peace be with you.

Forgiveness

2010-12-15T16:37:00.000-05:00

Forgiveness is an underused agent of healing for the symptoms of grief, so writes Sarah York in Remembering Well, Rituals for Celebrating Life and Mourning Death (2000). It is not about forgetting. It is not about fairness. It is not about justice. It does not change the past, but it wholly transforms the present and future. Many people confuse forgiveness with exoneration. Forgiveness does not excuse someone from doing something wrong. It does not alleviate their guilt or lessen their transgression. Instead forgiveness accepts the past as it was, embraces the present, and faces the future. Forgiveness is about self -respect, wellness, and enriching community. (Ira Byock, The Four Things that Matter Most) We do not have to wait until someone we love is dying, has died, or we ourselves are dying to practice forgiveness.
Sogyal Rinpoche asks "Can you truly forgive yourself? That is the real question. Your feeling of being unforgiven and unforgivable is what makes you suffer so. But it only exists in your heart and mind.
For those who question the Divine's forgiveness he suggests " God has already forgiven you, for God, is forgiveness itself". York states that forgiveness is in the realm of Spirit-it is not controlled by reason or human will. And because of this mercurial nature of forgiveness you can not touch it and say this is the moment it happened., but you can intentionally enter into the moment, this moment, with a wholly irrational love of what is. Like Ebenezer Scrooge waking on Christmas Day. Make amends where you can, clear misunderstandings, tell and show people you care, live generously. The mending we do in our own grieving hearts will heal and bless us in our relationships. And it will do more than that: it will reconcile us with the holy order of the universe. It will heal and bless the world. (York, 2000)

Happy?

2010-12-07T14:01:00.000-05:00

If you find that you are happy or enjoying some aspects of the holiday season- it's O.K. If you 're not feeling the holiday spirit, that's O.K, too. Sometimes we get caught up trying to live up to other people's expectations of how we should feel and behave. Sometimes family and friends will worry or act disapprovingly if their expectation(s) are not met. Sometimes we have our own expectations for how we should feel and act instead of simply accepting how we feel right now. Sometimes there is a "survivor guilt"-struggling with "How can I be enjoying this when my loved one can't?" Or "I need to have a good time because my love one can't-I need to do the holidays for two, now."
Remember the old standard is no longer and a new norm may not have been established yet...you will have many conflicting feelings and many mood swings potentially. Knowing this and accepting it are half the battle.

(photo by Lisa Woods)

Giving Grief a Time and a Place

2010-12-01T16:49:00.001-05:00

The holidays can be a difficult time. There are family and cultural expectations that often leave us strapped for time, money and personal fulfillment. The presence of the abscence of who or what is missing is magnified. Avoidance seems like a safe and painless way to "get through the whole thing". Remember, it is not the holiday or the grief you want to avoid, but the pain. Grieving and mourning help us through by placing the loss outside of ourselves. There are a number of ways to do this. Here are some ideas: Share a prayer about your loved one before the holiday dinner; light a candle for your loved one(s); do an online tribute to them; share favorite and funny stories of your loved one(s); have a remembrance prayer or mass said in your faith community; leave an empty seat at the table; buy a gift in their name and donate it to a charity that they would support; go to a candle light memorial/vigil...the main idea is to include them. Do not leave the elephant in the living room, so to speak.
Allow yourself time. Make multiple plans so that you feel like you have some options. It is also o.k. to "cancel" the holidays altogether if this is what feels right for you. The old standard is no longer and the new norm may not be established. Use this time to experiment with what works for you NOW-this season, this moment.

Gratitude and Giving Thanks.

2010-11-22T11:22:00.000-05:00

The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings. Eric Hoffer

At this time of year, we are all encouraged to be more aware of our blessings and to be especially appreciative of our good fortune. This may seem like a daunting task or useless exercise if you are grieving the loss of someone or something fundamental to your life. Researchers at UCDavis are discovering that there are several health benefits from developing a practice of gratitude. Among these benefits are: increased optimism, alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy; a greater sense of feeling connected to others; improved sleep. These are all qualities and benefits that can help support the bereft.

Here are some ideas to tap into your thankfulness for what remains, was, and is yet to come:

Create a gratitude time line, recording your earliest recollections of things you are grateful and thankful for in your life right up to the present. Choose one thing from your time line and write about it.
Explore the "dark side of the gratitude moon. Write about an experience that, at the time, did not seem like something you would be grateful for happening, but in retrospect was a great gift.

Write a Thanksgiving prayer/ ritual for yourself and /or family.

Gifts of the Season

2010-11-15T11:51:00.000-05:00

The commercialization of the holidays is one of the chief complaints of most Americans. I suggest a new take on gift giving and gift taking. A gift is a transfer of something without the need for compensation. It is a voluntary act requiring nothing in return and can be anything that makes the receiver happier or less sad. In this season of gift -giving, I encourage you to consider giving yourself the gift of comfort and joy. Give yourself time and permission. You may find yourself feeling sad, numb, angry, fearful, guilty, or just plain overwhelmed as you make your lists, hear carols, see decorations, make dinner, attend church or synagogue. This is normal and expected when dealing with change and loss. Share your sadness and tears with friends and family who may also be hurting. Allow time to grieve what has been lost or is missing and be kind to yourself.

Accepting the Gifts of Comfort and Joy

2010-11-08T11:58:00.000-05:00

The holiday season. Three powerful words. This time of year is filled with expectation, emotion, and activity. For some this time of year is difficult because of the absence of loved ones, divorce, death, financial stress, family conflict, illness, loneliness...

H.U. Westermayer wrote, The pilgrims made seven times more grave than huts. No Americans have been more impoverished that these, who, nevertheless set aside a day of thanksgiving.. Gratitude and gratefulness are not available to us only when things are going well. Often, it is when things are their darkest and we must dig the deepest to find something-anything to embrace with thankfulness that we need to do so the most. Approaching our lives from this spirit of appreciation for what we do have versus focusing on what we have lost or can not attain is not denying our grief, but is a stance of "and" not "either/or". We can be happy and sad, experience joy and despair, comfort and discomfort. One of the keys is in finding or creating personal meaning in all we encounter. Creating a personal thanksgiving prayer or ritual for yourself or family or modifying traditional activities might revitalize your sense of appreciation for that which is good and complete in your life at this present time.

November: the dead draw near to the living.

2010-11-01T12:23:00.001-04:00

In a number of earth- based cultures and traditions, the month of November portends a period of time when messages and guidance from those who have gone before us are more readily available to us. Perhaps this is was poet Wendell Berry's experienced and compelled him to write this piece:

A Meeting

In a dream I meet
my dead friend. He has,
I know, gone long and far,
and yet he is the same
for the dead are changeless.
They grow no older.
It is I who have changed, grown strange to what I was.
Yet I, the changed one, ask: "How you been?"
He grins and looks at me.
"I been eating peaches
off some mighty fine trees."

Have you ever dreamt of someone who has passed?
What do they look like? Are they young, old, changed in any way? How have you changed since the last time they saw you? What would they notice about you now? What do you imagine they have been doing, if not "eating peaches off some mighty fine trees"?

May you find comfort in this time of year.

2010-10-19T10:24:00.002-04:00

The following entry is reprinted with permission.

The Gift of an Ordinary Day, Katrina Kenison. Please visit http://www.katrinakenison.com/ordinary-day-journal/.

Everyone once, once only

“Everyone once, once only. Just once and no more. And we also once. Never again. But this having been once, although only once, to have been of the earth, seems irrevocable.” -- Rilke, Duino Elegies
These words, the epigraph to Mary Oliver’s new collection of poems, pierce my heart. I have read them over and over again, have felt the depth and heaviness and truth of that italicized word, once. For so it is, every moment of every day, once and only once.
     Two days ago, I stood in my garden, taking stock after a week away. My neighbor Debbie had protected all of my fragile plants from the first two nights of killing frost, spreading black plastic in the entry way, carrying in the heavy pots of geraniums, petunias, chrysanthemums and ornamental kale, one by one. She had spread bed sheets across my rampant nasturtiums, and returned in the early morning, before sunrise, to spray a fine mist of water over everything, laboring to eke out just a few more days of life and color. Standing there, on the most perfect fall day of all, I wanted to grow roots myself, to become still enough to see and absorb everything before me -- the mountains ablaze with color, the crystalline sky, the grass, emerald green again after a long, dry summer, the yellow leaves drifting slowly to earth from the maple by the stone wall, the flowers. Oh, the flowers, these final, brilliant blooms of the season. For weeks I’ve been cutting things back, getting rid of the spent sunflowers, cone flowers, rudibeckia. And meanwhile, the cosmos and nasturtiums have thrived, a riot of glorious, mismatched late season finery -- oranges and pinks, side by side, crazy and beautiful.
     I wanted to give myself a moment there, a moment in which to simply appreciate the transient beauty and bounty of the day, and then I intended to get right back to the work at hand -- the pot of soup on the stove, the load of laundry to fold, the overnight bag to pack so I could head out the door again. For a self-proclaimed homebody, I haven’t been home much lately.
     Steve and I had just returned from a long weekend in Minnesota, where our son Henry was the musical director for the St. Olaf theater department’s fall musical. Watching him do, at last, the very work he has long aspired to was quite a parenting high. All those hours of “conducting” with a drum stick behind a closed bedroom door, all those years of music lessons, the high school productions, the accompanist jobs, were finally paying off, coalescing into the realization of a dream. We wouldn’t have missed it for anything. And yet, all mixed up with my feelings of pride and excitement for him was the bittersweet realization that we were visitors in his life out there, the life he lives on his own, far away from us. We dropped in for a while, met his friends and had a meal, and then we said our good-byes right on the stage, as the actors began to strike the set around us after the final performance of the show.
     The next morning, before we headed to the airport, I took a run through a nearby park and found myself alone in an empty playground. Looking at the swings, the slide, the jungle gym, I was overcome with memories of my own boys, age four and seven or so -- back when swings and monkey bars offered hours of thrills, back when an ordinary day might include a trip to the park, a snack on the grass, singing along to Raffi on the ride home, a nap, hour upon hour of togetherness. That life I loved so much, that time of close, intense mothering, is so far in the past now that the wave of nostalgia that washed over me, the sudden lump in my throat, caught me off guard. Once, and only once.
   Back at home again, standing in my own yard and wishing that I could somehow seize every detail of a gorgeous autumn morning, I felt the same shadow across my heart, couldn’t help mourning the loss of all that beauty even as I tried in vain to somehow reach out and hold onto it for a little while longer.
     “I’ve missed the fall,” I lamented to myself, thinking back over these last few too-busy weeks, the travel and book store readings and commitments. This, I know by now, is my grasping mind at work, the part of me that is never quite satisfied with the present because I am so busy regretting what’s over (the entire month of September--gone!) or anticipating what’s to come (rain in the forecast! no more warm, golden days like this one!).
    So there I was, standing in the midst of autumn glory, wringing my hands, because I hadn’t had enough of it, and because it wouldn’t last. Sometimes I have to wonder: will I ever get it? Will what is ever be enough? “This isn’t the dress rehearsal,” as my husband likes to remind our son Jack, “this is your life.” He’s nearly 18; we want him to know that every choice he makes has a consequence, that what he does defines who he is.
    The same is true, I realize, of my thoughts. What I think creates the reality I live. I can stand in a deserted playground and feel the loss of my sons’ childhoods, or I can choose instead to celebrate who they have become. I can wish for more flowers, more warm days, more free time, or I can shift perspective, and accept the gift of the present moment -- exquisite, fleeting, already vanished.
     We die a little every day. With every change, with every loss, with every turn of season or cloud passing before the sun we lose what was and are asked to respond to what is, again and again. And yet, how easily we overlook the wonder of life, in our rush to attend to its details or in our dissatisfaction with the way things are. Seeing my grown son move ever further into adult life, feeling another season slip away, feeling the pressure of a day with too much crammed into it, being with a friend in pain, I struggle against what is, when I could choose instead to see how precious it is simply to be alive. Some day, some how, I hope I can finally learn to be at peace with the fragility of it all, to accept the truth that in every moment we are, all of us, dying to something.
      And so, like a traveler who keeps getting off course and must stop in her tracks and seek out a better route, I find myself constantly rushing headlong down the path of sadness these days, only to realize that I’m going the wrong way. Seems as if my life is full of stops and starts, as I pull myself together, get turned around, and choose another direction. Gratitude is always a good way to go. How grateful I am to Debbie, for saving all the flowers for me, until I could get home and enjoy them for one last morning. I can be grateful for an autumn day unlike any other, before or since. Grateful for bees in the sunshine and wild colors in the garden, for parents who are healthy, children who have turned into men, a husband who has stood steady through it all, friends who give so much and who allow me to give of myself in return. I can even be grateful, in this very moment, for gusting winds and the cold rain that has poured down relentlessly all through the night and into this afternoon, pummeling the garden, shredding the last of the flowers, and whipping most of the leaves right off the trees.
     It has been a difficult, tumultuous fall, with much change and sadness in my life and the lives of those most dear to me. Suffering can seem so random, so pointless -- and yet here it is, inevitable. What can we do but meet it however we are able, knowing that while life itself is a gift, each day also offers us a series of little deaths. These losses and transitions, these heartaches, they too are simply part and parcel of our daily turn upon this earth, reminders of what it is to be human. Nothing lasts. And, as we practice dying, over and over, we also learn what it is to be fully alive. Once, and only once.
      As I type these words, the sky grows even darker, the fog settles over the mountains, the garden lays drenched and flattened. In the vase on the table where I write is a bouquet of bright, jewel-toned nasturtiums, picked in the dark last night, just before the storm began. They will be the last ones this year. A long-ago birthday gift from my friend Diane, the vase holds not only flowers, but memories, too, of a deep and abiding friendship; I keep it full, full of life and beauty, in honor of a friend who has taught me much about how to live well and whose company I cherish. Finding the good in each day, she reminds me by her own example that although we can’t resist or refuse the natural course of change, we can choose to pass through it gracefully.
      And so, I say Rilke’s words again, to remind myself who I aspire to be and how I want to live: with awareness, heart open, grateful for every juicy bit of joy that can be squeezed out of the life I have. “Everyone once, once only. Just once and no more.”

photo by Suzanne Murawski

When someone has lost someone close to them...

2010-10-12T12:54:00.000-04:00

we often don't know what to say to comfort them. We feel awkward, helpless. Our own issues of loss may be stirred up. We don't want to "upset them".

American Cancer Society offers some suggestions to start a conversation:

Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your________died." Use the word "died". That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."
Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I'm not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
Offer your support: Example: "Tell me what I can do for you." Or tell them what you can do. Example: " I'm making some chili this week. I will bring some over to you."
Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.

Grief and Creative Writing

2010-10-07T12:38:00.001-04:00

Creative writing and expression for people who have experienced loss is often powerfully transformative and cathartic. Sometimes people are resistant to "committing" their thoughts and inner most self to paper, fearing exposure and vulnerability. However, with encouragement and compassion, many people have discovered the written word to be a great ally in their journey with loss.

Writing can help:

find or make meaning out of loss and tragedy
say things that haven't been said or that we are afraid to say out loud
us to remember details and not forget
offer hope

Here is a writing example. It is a letter written by a Beacon Hospice "Living with Loss" support group member. The letter addresses the writer's eyes and their failing vision. It is reprinted with permisson. A thank you and kudos go out to the writer's bravery in sharing.

20106-23

Dennis Memorial Library
Dennis, MA 02638

Dear Eyes,

Thank you for all the beautiful, informative and extraordinary sights that you have allowed me to see over these many years. Seeing the paintings of Rembrandt, the cathedals of Paris, the catacombs and ruins of ancient Rome, the pyramids of Egypt, the ruins of Carthage, and so much more. Thank you for all the books, pictures, designs and patterns that you have allowed me to incorporate into my exceptional visual memory. If not for the knowledge that I would be losing my vision, I might not have attempted and completed my doctorate, achieving my own personal distinction I will always have a well furnished mind to help me when the world becomes dark.

You, my rods and cones, my peripheral and now my central vision are now failing in significant ways. I can no longer see the faces of my beloved friends and family; I am losing my sense of place, a sense of which I was proud and which helped me to feel centered. I can no longer write notes to myself and others nor follow a new recipe. Sometimes, too often, I am overwhelmed by the losses. You, my eyes, have been my most appealing and definitive feature, first when my dad looked at me for the first time and called me "Buttons", because my eyes were so large and round and wide open. As I became a young woman, a friend of my husband asked the group which we thought was our most definitve feature. I said, "my coloring", as I felt that I was simply "ordinary brown". When she told me that my eyes were my most compelling feature, I felt I had received a great compliment, the eyes being "the window to the soul".

As I grew older, I began to appreciate and be shy of the power of you, my eyes. I would not look people in the eye, except briefly; I would watch their mouths instead. Now, having only little central vision, I always look straight into others eyes. Though I don't see much, strangers do not believe that I am blind. They often ask whaat service function my guide dog Riah fulfills for me.

Eyes, I have been lucky to have your help, beauty and your discernment. As your cells die, I will grieve. I will grieve, but I will always embrace my visual memories as I will always try to appreciate the vision I still have and find humor and delight in the new colors, shapes, and, yes, hallucinations. I will find new ways to help those I love and ways to share my inner vision and insight, though these aspects of my darkening world will never be able to substitute for the wide focus and clear views that I once had with you, my dear eyes.

Still, in the end, I will never notice the oncoming tidal wave, the yellow sulfuric volcanic cloud when Yellowstone blows its top! This lopsided humor is meant to convey to my mind and to my inner emotional self that none of us can know the time or place or means of our own bodily death, so live for the moment, seize the day!

CARPE DIEM!

Photo by Sarah Potter

The Best Way Out is Always Through

2010-09-28T16:42:00.000-04:00

This Robert Frost quote is the core of the foundation of what it means to do good grief work. Good grief work, I believe, leaves us transformed. The Buddha stated "if your heart does not break a bit everyday, then you are not fully awake" (paraphrased). The trick in grieving is to be able to feel your pain AND feel your joy. Oriah Mountain Dreamer in The Invitation, wrote "We are afraid of pain-emotional and physical-and we want to believe there is a way around experiencing our own sorrow, that we can avoid the pain and lose nothing of the fullness and joy of living. It's simply not true." We try to anesthetize ourselves to avoid the pain. We move toward the healing without understanding and embracing what is actually lost. There are a number of numbing agents employed- food, drugs, alcohol, work, television, physical activity, sex, religion, doing good, arguments...
Mountain Dreamer continues "But I do breathe, allowing the sorrows of the world to break my heart over and over again, letting the joys make it whole again. Knowing how to do this, finding the courage to take another breath and not close my heart to myself and to a world where there is pain, is what I seek to learn-how to love well.".
Starting today, in what ways can you take loving action, heal old and new wounds, breathe...embrace your broken-hearted humaness?

Grief, Mourning and Bereavement

2010-09-22T12:51:00.003-04:00

What exactly is the difference between grief, mourning and bereavement?
Although the words are often used together, they have three different meaning. Grief is the emotional experience resulting from the loss. It's the inner, personal feelings of an individual. Sometimes we can observe these feelings; other times they are locked tightly inside the person. Feelings might include anger, frustration, loneliness, relief, regret, peace, sadness and guilt. Mourning is the outward, social expression of the loss. Often the mourning process is dictated by religious and cultural norms, rituals and traditions. Bereavement is the state of having suffered a loss. Usually we associate the loss with death, but it can be for many reasons such as divorce, empty-nest, job elimination, or a move to a new city.

No matter what you call it, getting support for loss in a group can be helpful, enriching, and feel less lonely.

See a schedule of groups and workshops here-http://www.beaconhospice.com/ or click on the support group tab at the top of the page.

Grief "Stinks"-sometimes.

2010-09-13T12:58:00.000-04:00

When nothing else subsists from the past, after the people are dead, after the things are broken and scattered· the smell and taste of things remain poised a long time, like souls· bearing resiliently, on tiny and almost impalpable drops of their essence, the immense edifice of memory" -Marcel Proust "The Remembrance of Things Past"(1)

There has long been thought a strong correlation between the sense of smell and memory. Step out into a cool Autumn day and you might instantly be transported to being a child coming home from school, shuffling your feet through fallen leaves releasing their earthy aroma. Science is still learning the hows and whys of this sense and it's links to safety and survival for us as a species. In loss, scent also plays a role. Most of us know the power and clarity of memories that are triggered by smell, some pleasant some not so much. The distinctive scent of a hospital floor might bring you face to face with death of your husband.

Some people report a strong olfactory experience as part of a "visit" from their loved one(s). One gentleman I knew would often smell honeysuckle, a favorite scent of his deceased wife,  in the middle of winter while puttering about his home. Others report smelling their father's particular tobacco or cologne at times.

Other frequent experiences such as smelling a scent associated with the deceased, for example when opening a closet containing the loved one's belongings or stepping into a house that has been closed up,  is a comfort for some but disturbing for others. Often, we do not know when we will be triggered by a smell and find we are caught off guard by our reactions to it.
Although sometimes overwhelming,   perhaps these "grief attacks", may be viewed as loving messages from your loved one or as evidence of the cellular connection you shared and the enduring "immense, edifice of memory".

Embracing Grief

2010-09-02T16:44:00.000-04:00

Grief is Important

Giving ourselves permission to be with sadness actually creates space for us to begin the healing process.
Change is something that happens each and every moment in our lives. Since nothing is constant, it may sometimes seem as if we are losing something whenever things do change. Understanding that this is part of our daily existence and that there will not only be gains but also losses in our lives can help us more readily accept and deal with whatever happens.
Whenever we lose something or somebody we love, it is important for us to take time out for ourselves and truly feel the weight of what we are experiencing. Although it may seem that doing so will push us into a deeper state of sadness, truly giving ourselves permission to be with whatever arises actually creates space for us to begin the healing process. This is because the act of grieving is a natural process, allowing us to sort through the range of emotions that are present in our everyday existence. Even though it may sometimes seem easier to involve ourselves in activities that take our minds off of our sadness, this will only make the route to healing more difficult. Unless we listen to where we are in the moment, the emotions we experience will only grow in intensity, and our feelings will manifest themselves in more powerful and less comfortable ways. Once we consciously acknowledge that these emotions are present, however, we are more able to soothe the sorrow of t! he moment. In so doing, we become more open to our natural ability to heal ourselves.
Grieving doesn’t have to be a process that keeps us rooted in our thoughts of fear and sadness. For the moment we might feel despondent, but by expressing and coping with our true feelings, we face the sadness head-on. When we allow ourselves to accept and deal with our loss fully, we will then be able to continue our life’s journey with a much more positive and accepting outlook. This will make it easier for us to see that our grief is ephemeral and, just like our moments of happiness, it will also come to pass.

Reprinted from DailyOM- Inspirational thoughts for a happy, healthy and fulfilling day. Register for free at www.dailyom.com.

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Tick Tock

2010-08-26T15:44:00.000-04:00

A woman in a group I was meeting with the other day shared her realization that she will soon be turning the age her mother was when she was killed nearly 23 years ago. She then stated, from that perspective, her mother "had way too much living left to do" at the time of her death. She shared how this perspective had "lit a fire under her a little" to live more, do more, love more.

There is a Story People story titled Generations that starts with It came on her without thinking that she was the exact age as her mother was & no matter what, it would have been hard to leave...

I encourage you to take a few quiet minutes and reflect on what and who you would be leaving and the things that would be left undone, unsaid, unventured, or unimagined.

Now, where and how will you begin...?

Five Books

2010-08-16T16:42:00.001-04:00

Here are five books about loss recommended by the website http://www.fivebooks.com/. This site interviews experts in various fields and asks them to recommend books that would be most beneficial to lay people about the subject matter at hand. The five books is a compilation of the recommendations.

Catullus: The Complete Poems, Catullus, translated by Guy Lee

In Catullus’s series of poems to Lesbia we have for the first time in literature the sense of the arc of a relationship. There’s the tingling sense of desire, and then the gloriously happy, loved-up phase. And then there are poems that put a knife through your heart when she’s been unfaithful to him. And angry, brutal poems about his sense of loss, descriptions of how he doesn’t believe he can ever love again, or even go on living at all.

A Question of Trust: the Reith Lectures, 2002, Onora O’Neill

O’Neill posed questions of such fundamental central importance that haven’t been answered seven years later, and it’s because they haven’t been answered that we have then had the credit crunch, we’ve had the decline of trust in politicians, and, the year after the lectures, we had the Iraq war which is the biggest single cause of loss of trust in government.

All the Pretty Horses , Cormac McCarthy

There’s something absolutely thrilling about McCarthy’s lack of inflection because it allows the words to do all the work and therefore anything horrific that happens happens without any sentimentality or manipulation or emphasis. It all happens in your head. The book really mixes up loss and gain and wisdom and sorrow, and it ends with a sense of potential for John Grady, which is based on the wisdom he’s gained on the way.

From Wood to Ridge: Collected Poems in Gaelic and English, Sorley MacLean

Contemporary Gaelic poetry from Sorley MacLean. The poem is an evocation of the people of Hallaig, a township that was completely cleared in the early 1850s, with most of the inhabitants shipped to Australia. It’s not only about the awful things which happened to so many people all those years ago, but also the sense of loss in terms of what Scotland might be today had the clearances not taken place.

Attachment, John Bowlby

Bowlby’s theory of attachment, first published in the 1950s, was a very simple but powerful idea. In essence, he told us something that we all knew, which was that the bond between a parent and a child is really important. He was working at the Tavistock Clinic in London with children who hadn’t had the luxury of strong relationships with their parents. Many had been brought up in a children’s home, and many had developed delinquency or other problems by their teens.

Suggestions for Grieving the Loss of a Parent

2010-08-10T15:39:00.000-04:00

Suggestions for Grieving the Loss of a Parent

Acknowledge the importance and power of this event
Take time each day to honor your grief
Embrace your spirituality
Establish new family patterns and traditions
Find a logical touchstone memento (a possession of the deceased to hold on to)
Learn to parent yourself
Recognize secondary losses
Honor things that were important to your parent(s)
Each year acknowledge the anniversary of the death of your mother and/or father
Celebrate the changes and new perspectives

Change =Loss=Grief

2010-08-05T12:01:00.000-04:00

What is it about grief that causes us such pain?

It is the immensity of the familiar relationship lost that defines grief and loss that invokes intense emotions. Terror, overwhelming sadness, longing, anger, frustration-These are just a few of the feelings assaulting the survivors. These feelings, although within the range of normal reactions, constitute change. Ultimately grief is about change, and change can be the most difficult reality to face.

There are some fundamental attributes common to those who manage change well. These skills and mindsets can be learned and practiced (over and over again) and can lead to a sense of competency in the world. For a person who is grieving, having a sense of mastery and understanding about change and one's idiosyncratic response to it can lead to unexpected growth and personal development.

There are five areas that contribute to being good at coping with change. They are resource management, rich relationships, information sharing, empowerment, and a mutual narrative.

Resource Management: This is reflected best in not over extending yourself (energetically, financially and otherwise) and staying in good physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and financial health. It means keeping your relationships strong and fulfilling long before a crisis arrives.
Rich Relationships: Cultivating an expansive network of friends can pay off in useful and unpredictable ways. Leadership consultant Robin Sharma suggests you need friends who will come get you if you are jailed in a foreign country and you need the type of friends who say "let's have a party when you get out". This richness in relationship needs to be nurtured inside and outside of the family, extending into the community.
Information Sharing: Sometimes it is necessary to withhold details or knowledge (in cases of keeping confidentiality for example), but often we don't share because we feel it would put us in a vulnerable position with others. Letting people know how we feel and what we need or would like goes a long way toward building our relationships and managing our resources. The more people know and understand the more empowered they are to help. Sometimes, the person we need to be most transparent with is ourselves. Letting go of our comfort zone, confronting denial, and "telling our truths" are all courageous acts that have the capacity to lead us to different place in our lives.
Empowerment: Comfort with making decisions for an individual or a family is critical to successful adaptation to change. This comfort may range from listening to intuition and "trusting your gut or instincts" through allowing friends and family autonomy in making choices, which in turn creates a sense of camaraderie and accountability to one another.
Mutual Narrative: A narrative is a story. All families have one and each member is a piece of the story. The history is held in common as well as the future- as yet unwritten pieces of the story. Healthy, flexible individuals and groups have a sense of where that story is leading and its potential.

How prepared do you feel to handle change? What will you start to do differently to ensure you are building on these five fundamentals to help you with not only surviving change, but perhaps even thriving with it? What can you do to conserve or generate more energy and resources? How will you strengthen and grow relationships? Will you create avenues for information to be shared and discussed? Will you be empowered and lead those around you to feel so, too? What will you do to nurture, (co-)create and share your history and your dreams and hopes for the future?

Begin it today.

The Resolution Wish

2010-07-29T10:14:00.001-04:00

We wish that grief would resolve. We wish that it was linear and finite. We wish that we could wake up one day and our painful thoughts and feelings would all be over. Grief never resolves, however. While we can learn to reconcile ourselves to it, grief is transformative and life-changing.
Alan Wolfelt

Gifts from Death- some thoughts

2010-07-23T09:58:00.000-04:00

Strengths or transformations related to caring for the dying

• New talents

• New skills

• New ways of relating to others or the world

Death teaches us what is important in life.

Death teaches about love, compassion, and forgiveness.

Death can teach us to truly appreciate and savor life.

Once the death has occurred, there is a period of re-orientation to the ordinary world and assimilation of the gifts. Support is therefore not a short-term process but may take several months. (This is where bereavement support comes in to play.)

When someone is dying, everything we have ever felt about that person surfaces with great intensity…positive and negative.

Practice acknowledging your feelings but you do not have to necessarily act on them.

Death = ultimate loss of control. We can be most helpful by letting them be as much in control of the situation as possible. Let them direct it.

How to support one another

• Listen- over and over and over again

• Silence –leave lots of space for silence

• Cry- let others cry 6 mins average, releases toxins

• Be clear for yourself

Journal, create, get counseling and support, exercise, eat well. Sleep…

Nurture compassion for yourself and others

Use your own feelings as a compass.

Stars- an essay about life

2010-07-19T14:10:00.000-04:00

Stars

It is an intoxicating early autumn evening. Unseasonably warm. The air is ripe with the scent of apples from our backyard. I had been raking up the falls and their scent deliciously clung to the night. Looking up at the sky, up past the roofline and the tree line and beyond to the stars. I realize I haven’t experienced the night sky in an innocent way in over a year, since last Labor Day.

My partner and I had gone with my mother to “Ring of Fire”, a celebration of bonfires around the Great Sacandaga Lake in upstate NY. It was one of those perfect late summer evenings made more perfect by the presence of family, some of whom, due to any myriad number of “life gets in the way” reasons, we hadn’t spent time with in what seemed a lifetime.

On the ride home my mother, gazing out the car window, absent-mindedly stated “I haven’t seen the stars since before your father died”. My heart broke apart inside my chest. I couldn’t imagine life without being outside at night, in the dark, in moonlight and starlight. It was at that moment I became aware of my mother growing old and the reach of her loss.

So it is I find myself outside this night, spying Orion in the sky like an old friend. Yet even he couldn’t unsheathe his mighty sword and slay the cancer that ate through my mother’s spine and tore through her body, only 5 months after that Labor Day car ride.

We are made from stardust and she has returned to stardust.

Stronger For It-Mending a Broken Heart (compliments of DailyOM)

2010-07-15T15:51:00.000-04:00

Stronger for It
Mending A Broken Heart

Heartbreak happens to all of us. Often the pain that wounds us most deeply also leaves the most enduring mark upon us.
Heartbreak happens to all of us and can wash over us like a heavy rain. When experiencing a broken heart, our ethereal selves are saturated with grief, and the overflow is channeled into the physical body. Loss becomes a physical emptiness, and longing is transmuted into a feeling that often cannot be put into words. Mending a broken heart can seem a task so monumental that we dare not attempt it for fear of damaging ourselves further. But heartbreak, like all emotions, falls under the spell of our conscious influence.

Often the pain that wounds us most deeply also leaves the most enduring mark upon us. The shock that becomes the tender, throbbing ache of the heart eventually leads us down the path of enlightenment, blessing our lives with a new depth and richness.

Acknowledging heartbreak's impermanence by no means dulls its sting for it is the sting itself that stimulates healing. The pain is letting us know that we need to pay attention to our emotional selves, to sit with our feelings and be in them fully before we can begin to heal. It is said that time heals all wounds. Time may dull the pain of a broken heart, but it is fully feeling your pain and acknowledging it that will truly help you heal. Dealing with your heartache in a healthy way rather than putting it off for tomorrow is the key to repair. Gentleness more than anything else is called for. Most important, open yourself to the possibility of loving, trusting, and believing again. When, someday soon, you emerge from the cushion of your grief, you will see that the universe did not cease to be as you nursed your broken heart. You emerge on the other side of the mending, stronger for all you have experienced.

(Want more DailyOM? Register for your free email, or browse all articles)

To view or not to view-that is the choice.

2010-07-12T11:35:00.000-04:00

As with any loss, allowing individuals a choice regarding viewing the body of their loved one is the most helpful route. Researchers Alison Chapple and Sue Ziebland, recently reported in the British Journal of Medicine results of their study of families who had a member die in traumatic or violent ways. Generally, even for those who felt some distress or had mixed feelings about seeing their loved one's body, they believed the decison to see or not to see it had been the right decision for them. The study drives home the importance of not making assumptions about what individual members of a family would like to do under these circumstances.

Broken Heart Syndrome

2010-07-02T15:43:00.000-04:00

You probably won't die of a broken heart, although you might feel like you will. Broken Heart Syndrome is a relatively newly recognized medical condition also referred to as stress cardiomyopathy. The symptoms often mimic those of a heart attack and include chest pain, shortness of breath, congestive heart failure and low blood pressure. Middle-aged and elderly women are more prone to it and it usually follows some sort of "shock" or stress to the victim. A variety of stressors-emotional: grief, fear, extreme anger, and physical: stroke, seizure, shortness of breath due to asthma or emphysema or severe bleeding can trigger it.

The exact reason it occurs is not completely understood, but in simple terms the heart muscle is overwhelmed by a massive amount of adrenaline that is suddenly produced in response to the stressor (http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/). The condition resolves quickly and seems to have no long lasting effects.

To learn more about it go to: http://www.mayoclinic.com/; http://heartdisease.about.com/, or http://healthdiscovery.com/.

Why Bereavement Support?

2010-06-25T13:28:00.001-04:00

Why not?

Grieving people often spend a lot of emotional and mental energy laying down reasons not to seek support for themselves; I'm just feeling sorry for myself, no one wants to listen to me complain, it's not going to change anything anyway, I just have to suck it up and get on with my life, other people have it worse than me, I should be able to handle this, it's private...

Bereavement support, also known as grief support can take many different shapes. There is the traditional support group, telephone support, on line support, family and friends support, writing and bibliotherapy, art, pharmaceuticals, spiritual support...the list is as individual as the griever seeking the support. (That would be over 6 billion permutations because we all will grieve loss in our lifetime.)

Seeking support is brave and courageous. Traditionally, Anglo culture seems to labor under the belief that emoting and expressing feelings is the only activity of value when it comes to loss. But how many of us feel comfortable crying, yelling, "falling apart" in front of others, let alone with ourselves? The idea of voluntarily sitting with a group of strangers, exposing our soft flank, and maybe even more frightening, witnessing others pain seems ridiculous.

However, there are many benefits to attending a group. Hearing other people talk about their loss and how they are managing can be helpful in finding ways to cope or just to feel "normal" regarding grief. Learning about community resources, understanding how we grieve, and telling our story can all be very healing. Doing these things with people other than ones family can also be liberating as there is no need to worry about "being a burden "or worrying others.

Research has shown that most people process their grief intra-psychically (internally, in your own mind) and then process it inter-psychically (with others). Often these others are people that know the griever or the deceased very well. The point being, grief will find an outside expression. We need to learn to value
and support people in finding what works for them.

Please consider calling you local hospice to inquire about grief support available in your community. (See the link for Beacon Hospice in the sidebar for more info.)

The Other Side of Father's Day

2010-06-18T12:27:00.001-04:00

Happy Father's Day. This phrase is often said with good intentions and true well wishing, but how often do we consider the people in our lives for whom this may not resonate ? Perhaps a man has experienced infertility, adoption, or the loss of a child. How can you support and celebrate him ?

How to Celebrate Father's Day After a Loss

2010-06-18T12:26:00.001-04:00

For many people who are "fatherless", this day can be very painful and a reminder of who and what is missing. However, it can be an opportunity for healing to create new ways to honor and remember our fathers even if they are no longer with us. When we re-member someone we bring them back into our circle to once again be a "member" of our group. Creating a ritual is one way to do this. Some examples include lighting a candle, going to a favorite shared place, creating a memory box, treating someone who is "like a father" to a special meal or outing, volunteering in honor of your father, buy flowers...the list is really endless. What is important is to find something that fits for you.

Father's Day

2010-06-18T12:25:00.001-04:00

Father's Day is a recogniton and celebration of fathers. For many it can be a sad and lonely day. For children and adults who are fatherless due to physical separations through death, divorce, relocation, military service, incarceration, foster care... or more intangible losses including dementia, mental illness, addictions, or abuse and neglect, Father's Day can stir up a lot of emotions. Chief among them, sadness, anger, regret, yearning...

Please be considerate and kind to those who are grieving the loss of their father, including yourself.