Monday, November 12, 2012

In Honor of Veteran's Day: When You Come to Help Me Die: A Vet's Plea

I.
Just be a witness to me.
Don't startle me
            or get behind me
As I sit against a wall in the back of a room.
If I choose to tell you things,
            Just listen and be ready to hear whatever it is I say
You have two ears, just one mouth,
             so I'd guess you can do twice as much listening as talking.
You've got to understand something:
We were trained to be wolves and we acted like wolves-we became wolves-
I work everyday to keep the wolf down-for years I have been doing this.
It's the way I hold onto my dignity,
I ask you to allow me that.
My wife?  She knows.
She knows not to try to get inside;
She takes notes at lectures, but she doesn't ask me questions.

II.
I buried the word VietNam for 13 years.
When the Wall was dedicated I broke open and wept and wept and the rivers of sadness
swept me to the delta.
We were suppose to cover each other-
a sector, a back, a life-
Bands of brothers jungled, counting on each other.
Our goal was to come home alive-
One year, we said, one year-
The bond was indelible
But one boy from Wisconsin didn't make it;
The plan was bungled,
Killed by friendly fire.

III.
I'll be riding my bike and a truck will go by
It's the diesel; the smell of diesel
takes me back, all the way back.
I have to brake so that I don't shatter.
Who can understand this?
They have a name for it that doesn't come close to describing it.
Looking for the ties that bind, that connect, that comfort, that take away the loneliness
    of triggered memory and savagery
Clearly I can't forget-I can't lay it aside.
Forget the medication-don't bring me the zombie potions to alleviate my pain
Please
Just bring me a comrade in arms.

Caroline MacDonald
Volunteer Coordinator
Beacon Hospice, An Amedisys Company
York, ME